22 Oct Back to the future II: Expectation vs Reality
Back to the Future II, Expectation vs Reality
I should have posted this yesterday, but in the spirit of time travel, please do forgive me.
As you probably know, the 21st of October 2015 marked the fateful day Martin Seamus “Marty” McFly accompanied Emmett Lathrop “Doc” Brown on a fantastical journey through time in the contemporary epic that is Back to the Future.
Whilst weaving a narrative of unparalleled depth and quality – touching upon morality, corruption of power, time paradoxes and Oedipal inclinations – Robert Zemeckis also made a host of predictions pertaining to the state of affairs of the then future date of 21/10/2015.
Some of these predictions were surprisingly accurate, some were perhaps a tad bit optimistic, and some were teetering on the insidious; perhaps a forewarning of a menacing, Orwellian dystopia where street gangs donned gaudy armour and battled in the streets of Hill Valley, California.
How do these predictions compare to the realities of present day 21/10/2015?
Let’s play ‘Back to the Future II: Expectations vs Reality’.
EXPECTATION: FLYING CARS
When Doc Brown’s DeLorean materialises in the far off year of 2015, our tenacious time travellers find themselves in the middle of a highway in the sky, surrounded by a tempest of flying vehicles commuting through the clouds.
First off, flying cars are badass. Who wouldn’t want a flying car? No more traffic. Noise pollution kept above the clouds. Cities free from cars. Faster travel. Longer commutes available. No brainer right?
Well not quite. Just imagine the practicalities of easily accessible flying cars. I barely trust the average human, myself included, to put one foot in front of the other without setting himself or another human being on fire. Normal cars are a terrifying prospect enough. Trusting people to navigate a 4000 pound mass at 70 miles per hour on a fairly narrow path is a lunacy that is best not thought of. Add a couple of thousand of metres of altitude and some jet fuel and, well, I’d probably go live with the mole people.
REALITY: THE TESLA MODEL S
It’s Safe: Scored a perfect 5.0 on the NHTSA automobile safety rating. It’s Electric: This one’s important guys, what with the looming threat of global warming threatening our very existence. No Gasoline required: Compare this to what would be required to fuel millions of cars with fucking JET ENGINES. Has autopilot capabilities. 60mph in 2.8 seconds. Dual motor, all wheel drive and 265 miles range.
The flying car of course, what are you a fucking idiot?
EXPECTATION: NIKE POWER LACES
In order to blend in with the fashion forward, technological savvy youth of 2015, Marty dons a pair of Nike self lacing shoes that remained on every littluns wish list well into adulthood.
These are sick, you know it, I know it. Ain’t no shoe in the real world that’s going to hold up against these beauts. Unless…
REALITY: NIKE POWER LACES
WHAT THE SHIT?! Nike only done brought out a pair of self lacing shoes and got our man McFly to test run the first pair.
Well the film ones have that dope ass neon light and don’t seem to be as clunky or, you know, PR-y. But then again these are done somewhat in cooperation with Michael J Fox’s parkinsons foundation. Real ones win!
EXPECTATION: HANDLESS GAMING
Marty enters an 80s themed nostalgia cafe and spots some little tykes playing an arcade game. He proceeds to show them how its done and gets lambasted by Frodo Baggins who basically tells him he’s a daft cunt for using his hands in game.
Now this one is slightly different as we never get to see what the movie equivalent to gaming is. Instead we have a young Elijah Wood and some other fuckin nobody snidely mocking McFly’s pathetic excuse for entertainment for requiring the player to actually use his hands. We can only deduce from this that the games of Zemeckis’ 2015 are some next level handless gaming shit. How can we compete?
REALITY: STEAM VR
Aww ye fuck you Frodo you little hobbit prick. The Steam VR / HTC Vive headset is a fully featured, 360° room-scale Virtual Reality experience with absolute space tracking capabilities. You don’t use your hands asshole? Soon we won’t even need to use our minds.
Ok even though with the Steam VR you will have to use your hands these kids’ games can’t be as good as ours because they’ve actually left the house.
After a confrontation with Griff’s gang of pad wearing, colander hat sporting, scrote fondling lunatics, Marty flees to the streets and makes a daring getaway on a hoverboard stolen from an innocent little girl.
The big one. The hoverboard. Making every kid’s life for the last two decades feel unfulfilled and empty. Surely nothing can compare to the dream…
REALITY: SELF-BALANCING SCOOTER
I’m not going to call these pieces of shit Hoverboards as much as they try market them that way. If you fancy moving at the speeds of a brisk walk whilst falling over and being a genuine nuisance anywhere you go for a mere £400 then this is for you. But unfortunately for you, these have now been banned on the road and the pavement and pretty much anywhere in the UK. Thank fuck for that.
Well friends we have a few more to go but the hour is getting late and I am getting hungry. Stay tuned tomorrow for the next instalment of expectation vs reality!